“Just eat” and 5 other things to not say to someone with an eating disorder
Eating disorders are rooted in shame, anxiety, and other uncomfortable emotions - and for a person to share the fact that they’re struggling with an eating disorder with another person is a huge act of vulnerability. The following phrases listed below are common responses that people have when they are told that someone has an eating disorder. While these responses typically are not said with poor intentions, they are actually very harmful.
“Why don’t you just eat?”
If only it were that easy! Eating disorders on the surface are about food, but the roots go way deeper than that. Telling a person to “just eat” or “stop purging” or “stop bingeing” is minimizing what that actual experience (e.g., eating, not purging, not bingeing) is going to be like for them. Choosing to not engage in these eating disorder behaviors causes immense distress, anxiety, guilt, and other uncomfortable emotions.
“But you don’t look like you have an eating disorder.”
Eating disorders don’t have a specific look. Many people assume that in order to have an eating disorder, a person has to look extremely thin. In actuality, less than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as “underweight.” Eating disorders cause a lot of internal distress, and it’s unfair to assume that a person isn’t struggling with something just because they don’t look a certain way.
“I wish I had that much self-control.”
Phrases like this typically reinforce the unhealthy eating disorder behaviors (e.g., restricting, bingeing, purging, over-exercising, laxatives, diuretics) and make the person with the eating disorder feel that the harm they are doing to their body is worth it. Phrases like this also glorify the amount of suffering people with eating disorders experience, rather than acknowledge it as a form of self-harm.
“You aren’t fat! You’re so skinny!”
This is inappropriate to say to anyone, period. It also suggests that being in a smaller body is more acceptable and makes a person more worthy.
“Isn’t that a lot of food?”
People with eating disorders are already extremely aware of their food choices, amounts of food, frequency of eating, etc. It’s difficult enough for many people with eating disorders to eat as it is, so drawing attention to the amount/type/frequency of food that they are eating typically makes them feel much worse.
“Maybe you should just try going on a diet” or “You should try [keto/paleo/intermittent fasting/any other fad diet] instead, I love it!”
Dieting is a major risk factor for developing an eating disorder in the first place. Eating disorders thrive on restriction (cutting out foods/food groups), so suggesting that a person tries a diet is going to fuel the eating disorder even more. Diets also work against the recovery goal of understanding that there are no “good” or “bad” foods, and that all foods can fit into a person’s intake.
Instead of responding with any of the above, these two simple responses are usually received much better: “Thank you so much for telling me,” and “How can I support you?”.
Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes and is intended to both educate the reader and destigmatize mental health. In no way is this is a substitute for therapy from a licensed clinician, nor should it be used in a coercive manner.