10 ways to support a loved one that just came out as LGBTQIA+
The process of coming out as LGBTQIA+ can be an exciting, scary, and overwhelming time. Below are some dos and don'ts to consider if your loved one just came out to you.
DO:
Thank them for telling you! Many LGBTQIA+ folks have a strong internal dialogue with themselves about who they will tell and when/how they will tell them about their sexuality. Even if your loved one suspected that you would be accepting, the anxiety leading up to the conversation is typically really difficult and uncomfortable to sit with.
Ask them if you can support them in any way. They may want to talk to a therapist to explore their identity more, join a support group, or even attend queer community events to get to know more people in the community. If that’s the case, they might need help connecting with these types of organizations/providers in your area.
Ask if it’s okay to ask more questions. Your loved one might not be ready for a follow-up conversation. Coming out can be really overwhelming, and asking your loved one if they’re open to more questions that you have is a respectful way to ask permission to continue the conversation.
Educate yourself. You may have questions about queer terminology and other things of that nature, especially if this is the first person in your life that is openly LGBTQIA+. It’s not fair to put the burden of educating you about queer topics on your loved one - they are already managing enough as they navigate this journey firsthand. A good place to start is The Coming Out Handbook. For additional information, you may consider browsing the PFLAG website or The Trevor Project’s website.
Be prepared to mess up. This could take the form of using the wrong pronoun, accidentally using a former name, labeling your loved one as the wrong sexual orientation, etc. Remember that your loved one isn’t correcting you to make your life difficult- they’re doing it because they’re advocating for themselves to be respected and seen for who they authentically are.
Seek out support to do your own grieving. There is typically a lot of grieving involved when a loved one comes out. Some examples of this include but are not limited to: grieving the end of your loved one’s relationship with a partner; grieving the future you saw your loved one having as a female whereas they now identify as male; etc. It’s expected for you to have feelings around this, and important that you’re able to get appropriate support too. Make sure you have a space to do this that is separate from your loved one, as they are dealing with their own share of emotions around this journey. Individual and group therapy are great places to work through this grieving process.
DON’T:
Out your loved one to other people. Just because your loved one trusted you with this information, does not mean that they also trust your best friend, your coworker, or your neighbor with this information. Coming out to someone as LGBTQIA+ is a personal choice, and it’s harmful and sometimes dangerous to out your loved one to people that they aren’t ready to tell yet.
Expect them to educate you about LGBTQIA+ topics. Similar to the above suggestion of educating yourself- it’s a lot of pressure to put on one person to educate you about an entire community. As listed above, a good place to start is The Coming Out Handbook. For additional information, you may consider browsing the PFLAG website or The Trevor Project’s website.
Tell them it’s “just a phase.” This is extremely invalidating. Even if your loved one’s identity or orientation does change at some point, the fact that they are coming out to you right now means that this is their truth right now. Sexuality and gender identity are fluid (meaning that they can shift and change all the time), and to suggest that their current state is a “phase” is condescending and minimizing.
Make their coming out experience about yourself. Similar to the above suggestion of seeking out your own supports to grieve; you are allowed to have feelings about it - it’s actually expected! Make sure you have a space to do this that is separate from your loved one, as they are dealing with their own share of emotions around this journey. Individual and group therapy are great places to work through this grieving process.